One of my favorite South Park clips.
Rob Schneider is… The Stapler!
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Tag Archives: TV
Recap of Heroes “Villians”
Well, the third major arc of Heroes, entitled “Villians,” has come to a close. I’ve discussed Heroes before, and, except in Volume 1, been pretty disappointed. So now that we’re begun Volume 4, “Fugitives,” how do I feel? To put it bluntly, Heroes sucks worse than ever, and yet, I’m still watching it.
Heroes is a brilliant concept executed as poorly as possible. It’s of of the worst written, poorest plot-bearing, illest planned, silliest scripted series ever to grace Sci Fi. Everything about Heroes stinks except the actors and the core concept. The rest blows. Let’s examine:
1. Firstly, we’ve got a science problem
The science of Heroes is always screwy. Some might argue that there must be a certain suspension of disbelief with science fiction, and I’d agree. We suspend disbelief about the fact that there, for example, is space travel in Star Trek, but we expect the writers to follow the known laws of physics in space. We expect the ship to be sound. And we expect that when the rules are bent, there’s a reasonable and semi-believable explanation. With Heroes, we have a day long eclipse that occurs everywhere at once. We have someone who can run REALLY fast who can apparently bring anyone with her at the same speed. If you can fly, you can apparently lift anything through flight.
2. Second, we’ve got a motivation problem
A “volume,” which runs about half a season, takes 13-16 weeks to unfold. But it occurs in much less time for the characters. And yet, they go through major emotional changes in a short span. Just look at Sylar. He went from villian to man seearching for redemption to soon-to-be loving father to angry to ruthless villian in the span of this story. Why would he change so quickly? His actions make no sense. Going from “No, Sylar, I *am* your mother” to ‘I’m working for Dad’ to ‘I’m going to kill Angela’ was too rocky and didn’t give the character time to understand his own actions or emotions. Let’s not even get started on Mohinder, who makes no sense at all, or Angela, or worst of all, Arthur, who could have avoided this entire series by simply making Nathan not investigate Linderman in the first place, which means no need for Angela to kill him, which means no revenge, which means no Pinehurst, which means no Nathan vs. Peter. Which leads me to…
3. We’ve got a logic problem
Aside from things like “Why is Sylar changing his motivations so quickly?” there are much bigger logic flaws, like for example, ”Why does Clair hate her father one minute but then love him the next ALL SEASON LONG?” Sorry, but this is central to the show. The Bennetts – Clair and Noah- are core characters. So making their emotions so whimsy is not just a character motivation problem, but rather a major logic flaw. These characters are inconsistent. Is Clair a cheerleader, a kid, or a company warrior? How can someone work for this elite “Company” with no real training other than smacking a stick around for a few minutes? Why does Clair – and Noah – think that regeneration abilities makes someone a natural for fighting this huge “war”?
4. We’ve got plot problems
What was the point of the eclipse? Why did they make a big deal about the catalyst if it was resolved so readily? Where would the catalyst gone had Hiro not shown up to take it? Why did Parkman have to have the spirit walk? What about HIro? These things were required for nothing other than killing time. There was barely anything happening this arc. When you introduce information and plot points that have no real value to the story, it’s your first clue that your writers are in over their heads. Suckage.
5. Lastly, we’ve got a concept problem
This concept is so brilliant, the idea of following “specials” around. But the implementation is flawed, because you’ve decided to commit to your cast. This concept would have been awesome if, as we followed each volume, we moved to new, interesting characters. A built in reboot every half season. But unfortunately, now this show is like any other serialized drama, and I don’t trust it. I don’t believe Sylar is dead. I don’t believe Arthur is dead. I didn’t believe Hiro was stuck in the past, I don’t believe we’ve seen the last of Hiro’s dad. I don’t know if I believe Meredith is dead. Elle might be dead, but she was always peripheral. So nothing is believable, and I’m not ready to be burned again.
Yeah, I’ll end up watching volume 4, but not because it’s a good show. Because no one can turn away from a good train wreck.
Whose Clues? Blue’s Clues!
Rarely does an entire day pass without me watching at least some span of the Noggin channel. The host of Noggin, the animated Moose A. Moose, is my daughter’s favorite. She’s gone through phases of enjoying Pinky Dinky Doo, The Backyardigans, and Jack’s Big Music Show, but she has been captivated by Moose since she was just 4 months old. She also has shown a lot of interest in Dora the Explorer.
Steve: Lame, But He Knows It, Thus, Cool
Lately, due mostly to Noggin’s schedule change, she’s been watching a lot of Blue’s Clues. At first, I hated this show. It’s about as dumbed down as a show can get, at first glance. But lately, I’ve been realizing something: I’ve picked up a lot of sign language in passing glances.
Blue’s Clues is not that interesting. As a show, it’s really basic, and not very interesting. Unlike, say, Sponegbob Squarepants, where after 40 seconds, if the kid walks away, I watch the rest, Blue’s Clues is completely boring. I’ll happily shut it off. And yet, when she is watching, I love that she’s getting the sign.
I have to admit that I like Steve much better than Joe. Steve was natural with sign language. And he seemed genuine, if possible. He was a normal dude, just chillin’ with his animated dog Blue, who apparently, would only communicate via elaborate clues to a master puzzle. The whole thing was very normal, in an “I have an animated blue dog who leaves me clues to answer simple questions which I figure out whilst signing and then track in a notepad for future reference” kind of way.
Steve was also a very routine oriented guy. Same shirt, every day: none of this new-fangled several colors nonsense. Also, he didn’t grin all the time like a complete tool.
Joe: Thinks He's Cool, Is Actually D-Bag
But Joe sucks. Joe is always giving a stupid, goofy grin that deserves a slap. Unlike Steve, who seemed generally laid back did a great job of hosting a kid’s show, Joe was a trying-too-hard pretty-boy who spent his time hosting Blue’s Clues living in Steve’s big shadow. Aside from having a much more polished and “I wanna be an actor” finish, he was so effortful in his performance that it came off as both condescending and tiring. His silly oversmiling and unnatural “side running” is so odd looking it leaves me wanting to take Steve out for a beer, just for not sucking so much.
I think Joe is an actor thrilled to have a gig, trying so hard to be good at it, and yet, coming off as so desperate it makes me roll my eyes. Every emotion is so overplayed I’m sure my 14 month old must mutter “What a sodding twit” under her breath.
Either way, Blue’s Clues, despite being entirely blowsome as a TV show, is pretty decent as an education tool, largely due to the amount of ASL mushed into the show. If your kid has to watch something, you could do a lot worse than Blue’s Clues, which is likely why a show that ran from the mid nineties through 2005 or so is still aired several times a day.
Dr House: Is A Change is a’Comin?
Last night’s episode of House, M.D. made little sense. Why would Dr. House, near the end of the show, give the patient back his gun? Why not just diagnose him but say he has the gun? Then something interesting happened. The guy almost killed Thirteen, and for a moment, House looked stunned. And I thought, “Oh God, please let this be it.”
What is it? It is the moment I’ve been waiting for. The moment when House realizes his inane behavior is getting unrealistic and unbearable. The House character is getting boring to me because he shows no growth whatsoever, never learns any lessons. He’s just a miserable old sack. And the show was losing steam, until last night, because it’s become so formulaic that Cracked magazine took a well-deserved swing at it.
So, I’m hoping that last night, as the SWAT team blew away the walls of the CAT scan room and House, for a moment, was unsure whether or not his plan had backfired; as House began to understand that his silly actions may have led to Thirteen’s unnecessary death; as House suddenly understood (I think) that he had behaved like an idiot, that maybe we have the catalyst for the first real growth of the character. I wish – I wish so much – that perhaps the character would show some emotional reaction to the fact that he endangered not just others’ lives, but others’ lives quite recklessly.
House shouldn’t suddenly become a softie, and he shouldn’t suddenly be a new character, but the same way you drive a little slower for awhile after you think you might be getting a ticket when you pass a cop, he ought to have a little bit of extra thought about his actions, a pause before acting like the cold moron he normally is. Because any human would, after an event like that.
Unfortunately, I don’t expect it. I think next Tuesday will open credits on the same old House. Too bad.
Heroes Verdict: Meh
Not too long ago, I said “Heroes has replaced LOST as my #1, mostly because the plot advances comfortably.” I’ve blogged about Heroes in the past, too. But now, comfortably into the realm of the show, I can safely say that Heroes is the poor man’s sci-fi. Heroes is ill-thought out from the get go. As my friend Eugenia has said before, the writers made the Heroes too powerful up front, and as a result, the storylines are seeking to limit them where possible, and just flat out ignoring them at worst.
Firstly, Peter, Sylar, and Parkman’s dad, at a minimum are all extremely powerful, yet none of them really “use” their powers, even when it would make sense. Sylar, for example, didn’t hear something whispered just 20 yards from him, yet it was explained in season 1 that he had super-hearing. Hiro makes the dumbest mistakes in the world, and doesn’t use his power to fix them (like going back in time to just not open the safe, or better yet, putting a fake version in his hand before Daphne swiped it.)
The entire story arc often feels like a bunch of ninth graders writing a “wouldn’t it be cool if” story, without really laying out the entire storyline. Peter is impetuous and rarely thinks before acting – not in a realistic way, but in an “it’s a good plot device” kind of way. Nathan’s family just… evaporated. Hiro digs up Adam Monroe rather than just zapping him out of the coffin, which, by the way, is how he got him in there.
The truth is, the massive cast, which includes useless Mohinder, pointless Maya, and wants-to-be-interesting-but-just-isn’t Parkman needs to be trimmed down. And why ignore cool characters like The Haitian? The last truly great episode was “Company Man” in season 1.
Although I’ll still watch it for now, Heroes is just, sadly, not that good of a serialized drama.
The Most Boinga Post Ever
Boinga!
Unfortunately, having a baby around means that I often find myself watching shows such as “The Backyardigans”. As someone who has, since I was very young, considered myself pretty in touch with music and appreciative of true musicians, I am strangely compelled by much of the music found in these shows. For every ten terrible songs, there’s one or two good ones that are so catchy you’d never believe it. But if you dig deep enough, you’ll find some interesting lyrics hidden within. Lately, I’ve had several Backyardigans songs in my head, but one of them, the Alicia Keys’ backed “Almost Everything Is Boinga Here” has got me a little worried. Let’s examine:
Austin: Boinga’s a word we don’t understand.
Mommy Martian: Well, words are different in Martian Land.
Pablo: Well, we don’t know your language yet.
Austin: Maybe you could teach us?
Mommy Martian: Sure, you bet.
Baby Boinga: Boinga!Mommy Martian: Almost everything is boinga here,
Just in case you hadn’t heard.
Almost everything is boinga here,
It’s the Martians’ favorite word.Uniqua: Do you call these hands?
Mommy Martian: Nope, we call them boinga!
Austin: Do you use pots and pans?
Mommy Martian: Yup, we call them boinga!
Baby Boinga: Boinga!Pablo: We wear hats on our heads.
Mommy Martian: Really? We wear boinga!
Uniqua: Do you guys sleep in beds?
Mommy Martian: Nope, we sleep in boinga!
Pablo: Hey!
Austin: That’s good.Mommy Martian: Do your birds say boinga?
Uniqua: No, our birds say tweet!
Mommy Martian: Do your flowers smell boinga?
Pablo: No, they just smell sweet!
Mommy Martian: Do you walk on your boinga?
Austin: No, we walk on our feet!
Mommy Martian: Do you sit on your boinga?
Uniqua: No, we sit on our seat!Baby Boinga: Boinga! Boinga!
Pablo: You certainly use that word a lot.
Mommy Martian: Well, it means a lot of things, so why not?
Austin: Is there anything boinga doesn’t mean?
Mommy Martian: Well maybe there is but not that I’ve seen.
Pablo, Uniqua, and Austin: Almost everything is boinga here.
Mommy Martian: We boinga all boinga long.
Baby Boinga: Boinga!Pablo, Uniqua, and Austin: Almost everything is boinga here.
Mommy Martian: So we boinga this boinga song.
Baby Boinga: Boinga!
Pablo, Uniqua, and Austin:Boinga this boinga
Mommy Martian: Boinga!
Pablo, Uniqua, and Austin:Boinga this boinga
Mommy Martian: Boinga!
Pablo, Uniqua, and Austin:This boinga song!
Mommy Martian: Boinga!
Pablo, Uniqua, and Austin:Boinga this boinga
Mommy Martian: Boinga!
Pablo, Uniqua, and Austin: Boinga this boinga
Baby Boinga: Boinga! Boinga! Boinga!
Alright. So let’s take a closer look at few lines, shall we? Let’s start with this one: “We boinga all boinga long.” Aside from the fact that – I promise you – way too many dirty-minded people are going to interpret this as ”we f#@% all night long,” partly because “boinga” sounds a lot like “boing,” which is colloquially used as a cleaner version of “screw,” it proves that the word “boinga” is both a noun and a verb. Once we concede that Martians use “boinga” as a univeral verb and a universal noun, it contradicts earlier sentences.
Shouldn’t “Do your birds say boinga?” be “Do your boinga say boinga?” Actually, given the verb, shouldn’t it be “Do your boinga boinga boinga?” Shouldn’t that whole verse be mostly “boingas?” In fact, why is the word “do” allowed? “Boinga your boinga boinga boinga” just doesn’t make a lot of sense. Stupid Martians.
Let’s assume that we can get over Mommy Martian’s arbitrary use of the word boinga as a replacement for some words but not others. Why would Martians refer to Mars as “Martian Land?” Have you ever refered to our planet as “Earthling Land?” Of course, because it’s just weird.
Also, the Martian Mommy seems awfully fluent in English, and yet, she doesn’t know what birds say or how flowers smell. She can sing an impromptu song, but appears entirely unaware of the words “sweet,” “feet,” “seat,” or “tweet.”
Also, do you find it a smidge naive that Austin and Pablo seem to believe that they are capable of learning the native language in “Martian Land” in the course of one 2 minute song? …and do?
This is the line that kills me: “So we boinga this boinga song.” Please! You can’t convince me that many young moms and dads don’t hear “So we sing this fuckin’ song.“
Who said childrens’ songs were boring?
First Impressions: Fringe
Last night was episode 2 of the highly anticipated new series, “Fringe.” I had been looking forward to Fringe for some time with only one reservation: I was hesitant to get into another serialized marathon like Lost or Heroes. But it was so compelling in its ads that I decided to give it a shot.
Last week’s pilot episode set up a great premise. The “translucent” body effect and the mystical “Pattern,” complemented by stone cold Matthew Abadon Agent Broyles left me wanting more. I suspect the second episode was much more indicative, however, of what this show will actually be. Read more after the break.
“We Have To Lie” – The LOST Season 4 Finale
Last night’s season finale of Lost was truly everything I wanted it to be. After 4 seasons, we finally are getting to the meat of the story. I keep saying that we learn so much and still know nothing, and while that’s true, I admit that last night left me very happy. Let’s examine:
(1) Desmond’s storyline has come complete circle and pretty much ended.
Although there’s a lot of bits to be filled in, primarily revolving around Penny Widmore, Desmond got his happy ending. We don’t yet understand his future flashes, but he reunited with Penny, and for that, we’re all thankful.
(2) We know that time travel is a factor here, and that the island, via its unique magnetic properties, can itself move in time.
Does anyone else go “wow!” just having confirmed that? I loved that we’re actually seeing some real unraveling of the mystery of the island. Guys… where are we?
(3) We know how the Oceanic 6 became the Oceanic 6.
So they didn’t get off the island… the island simply went away and left them back in the real world …or something. What we don’t know is why Jack, rather than simply saying “no one would believe this, so we have to lie,” decided to lie to “protect” their fellow passengers. Protect them from what? I think a better explanation was that everything Locke said was coming true, so better to follow his advice.
(4) We know that Locke made it off the island
My new theory: Locke, like Ben, eventually had to move the island himself (after the 6 go back?), and as a result, couldn’t go back himself. But what we don’t know is when. Because with Alpert and even the amazingly youthful final-scene Ben, it’s hinted that they can move about through space-time.
(5) We know that Sayid can kick ass
The fight between Sayid and Keamy was appropriately long but didn’t skimp on action. What an awesomely choreographed scene. Sayid is a badass, but I am truly scared of Keamy.
(6) We know Sun can get scary
Sun not only coldly took over Paik Industries from Daddy Paik, but left Widmore with a little pee stain in his pants.
(7) We know that Miles knows more than he says
We seriously need to focus on this guy. Dude knows much more than he says.
(8) We know that Charlotte was on the island before
Well… maybe. But it’s very clearly hinted that she was born there. Uh… huh? Born there? But I thought we established that babies can’t be born there. We know they can be conceived there though.
Is it possible that Widmore was once an “others” leader and had to move the island too? But why would he age and Locke and Ben not? Is it possible that Jin is alive? How about Michael, who was visited by Christian seconds before he died? What does it mean that ghosts have visited Jack, Kate, Hurley, and Michael off the island, at a minimum (we don’t know if Sayid has been visited by ghost Shannon or anyone else)? How about the ghosts that visited Claire and Locke (Locke saw Boone some time ago)? Who is Matthew Abbadon? More importantly, what’s the deal with Jacob and the lists? That started all of this.
So many questions, so long to wait until we get any answers. But overall, I really liked this episode.
American Idol Season 7: And the Winner Is…
I went into last night expecting to be disappointed, not because I felt Archie had more fans than David Cook, but also because season 7 of American Idol has been so crappy that it would have been poetic to have it end in tragedy too.
But alas, it did not. In fact, they really made me look foolish by giving us several gifts.
Let’s review: first, David Cook’s fun “Sharp Dressed Man” with ZZ Top. The performance itself wasn’t so great, but it was fun, which was nice. Also, good to see that ZZ Top is still alive and that Sharp Dressed Man is still a good song, and that American Idol didn’t remove all of the instrumental bits.
Then came a real gem, the second “gave me chills” moment of the season, when Brooke White delivered a gorgeous rendition of “Teach Your Children” with Graham Nash. Nash was humble and restrained, White was on-key, confident, and natural. The entire ballad was not only beautiful, but also well captured. The mix favored the harmony over the melody by just a little, just enough to highlight Brooke – after all, it was her performance – but not overdo it. All in all, it was a home run, and it was so easy to enjoy a connection with Brooke’s entirely sincere happiness at having just performed with Graham Nash.
In case anyone forgot, the best part of the night – by far, in my book – was the fantastic Ben Stiller/Jack Black/Robert Downey Jr. skit as backup singers to Gladys Knight. Jack Black can be a comic genius at times, and his overplayed backup singer was classic, especially when he went off-stage to tend to Downey and return with his pants down – inexplicably. Also, his facial expressions were key to delivery. Well done producers, well done.
Now, as you might know if you’ve read my blog, I am not a David Archuleta fan. I find him to be a singer without a niche, lacking finesse; he has the instrument, but doesn’t know how to control it. He can’t sing a melody without peppering it with runs and vocal tricks. His music is lite FM adult contemporary blandness. His interviews tank consistently as he can’t form a sentence beyond the general “It feels so cool” boringness. And his eyes scare me more than a little. There’s just no substance there to like. My opinion only. This is what bothered me so much: the judges, especially worthless Randy Jackson, with the only exception being Simon once in a while, were unable to offer a single bit of criticism on his last 5 performances. The gave him a free pass most of the season, even when he flubbed lyrics.
So imagine my surprise when during the finale, he came out and capably sang OneRepublic’s beautiful “Too Late to Apologize.” I take that back, it wasn’t just capably, it was flat out great. It was actually better and more controlled than the lead singer from OneRepublic himself! It was really a good note to end on, no pun intended.
And then came the last few moments, when the more deserving David Cook was crowned Idol and began crying. The touching “This is your fault!” he yelled at his brother.
Now, don’t get me wrong, this was still the worst season of Idol, but David Cook may be my favorite Idol yet – the only one whose record I might actually consider listening to. So I have to say, it ends on a high note, and despite my threats, I’ll probably be watching next January.
My New Lost Theory
Haven’t thought this out too much, but here’s the gist of it:
Richard Alpert, Charles Widmore and “Jacob” were passengers on The Black Rock, and for some reason, are unable to die. John Locke and Michael were also passengers on the same ship, but again – for an unknown reason, they are in some sort of time loop or reincarnation cycle so that they don’t realize who they are. We know Michael can’t be killed. And it looks increasingly like Locke can’t either – he survived as a premie, despite the odds, he fell 8 stories and survived, and was shot by Ben. Locke may even BE Jacob, but it’s irrelevant, the point is, the survivors of The Black Rock are duking it out for control of the island. Not sure what to make of Christian Shepherd just yet – he may be another passenger on the Black Rock, but I think it’s more likely he’s just the form Jacob is currently taking, or possibly the form future- or past-Locke as Jacob is taking. Also, I don’t think Ben is a passenger. If he was, he would not be so helpless now. No, he knows the backstory, and realizes “his time” is not only over, but it never really existed.
I suspect it will eventually be revealed that Widmore is both Magnus and Alvar Hanso.
I’m just piecing this stuff together on assumption, not proof. But I think we’ll see some serious stuff revealed soon, because these types of reveals won’t explain much, and yet, will explain everything. Is Locke’s mother “Emily” the same woman as Ben’s mother “Emily”? Is Christian Shepherd more than a hallucination? Does “moving the island” mean moving it geographically? Or will all of this be revealed to circumnavigate the bendiness of time?
Because that’s where all of this is going. Time is the key, and if time is pliable and actually bent, nothing is certain. It explains how Richard Alpert is everywhere, he can go back later and be right on time. It’s how Ben is so powerful. It’s eventually going to explain Adam and Eve, Christian’s empty casket, Desmond’s flashbacks, etc.
It’s all very exciting.