How Did Ross Do It??

Every season or so, I change my DVR to record a different sitcom for late night viewing – a show I watch as I fall asleep. Previous sitcoms include Seinfeld, King of Queens, The Simpsons, Frasier, and Newsradio. Recently, I went back to Friends. Like most of the above shows, I watched Friends when it was on, but a few years ago I felt like I had seen them all too many times, so I removed it from the Tivo. I just phased it back in and I’m puzzled by one question:

Rachel
How the hell did Ross get such good looking girls? We all know he ended up with Rachel, so let’s start there. Um… WHAT? You’re telling me that the best Rachel, who, by this point, was a succesful lady in the fashion world, could do was… Ross? One look at this twit in his eighties college getup, one earful of his horrible organ music, and any self-respecting woman would run.
Mona
Ross may have ended up with Rachel, but shortly after he got her pregnant, he somehow attracted the gorgeous Mona? Mona only dumped his ass after he lied about his marriage history, lied about Rachel’s pregnancy, and then asked his pregnant ex-wife to move in to his apartment. Rightfully… thankfully… she dumped him and went back into the dating pool to date someone more on her level. Mona was a lot of fun and a good sport, too, so Ross had no business dating her.
Katie
When Ross took a pregnant Rachel shopping for baby furniture, Katie, upon learning that he liked dinosaurs, said he reminded her of Indiana Jones. She then shamelessly came to his house and asked him out on a date. Even when she learned that he lived with Rachel, she was still interested. Did I mention she was played by the stunning Rena Sofer? Man, this was the biggest break from reality ever attempted on friends.
Elizabeth
Somehow, goofy-ass Ross managed to land Elizabeth, a witty college student whose father was Bruce Willis. Elizabeth was also loads of fun, and she was even in that college-age mynx stage. Too bad Ross was such a limp moron and didn’t just enjoy this affair while it lasted.
Christine
Inexplicably, Ross managed to land Bonnie, played by Christine Taylor. God only knows why this girl would go for whiny, annoying Ross, but apparently, she found his dinosaur tales amusing, or something.
EmilyWe mustn’t leave out Emily, who Ross married — well, until he spouted off Rachel’s name at their wedding. Emily was hot in a “I could actually know her!” kind of way, and Ross somehow captivated her too.
CharlieAlong the way, Ross managed to hook up with an extremely hot scientist named Charlie, who was not only smokin’ hot, she was also interested in his nerdy-side. While we all suspend disbelief, since no such character actually exists, assuming one did, once again, Ross banged her.
CarolAll of this completely ignores Ross’ first wife, Carol, who was no slouch herself. She was made exponentially hotter when it was revealed that she was a lipstick lesbian with Susan, who — imagine this — was also kinda hot. Figures, right?
As you can see, TV is entirely made up. In reality, I think Ross would be dating a co-worker – someone in his field – who was totally average looking and mostly boring. It’s not that I think David Schwimmer is ugly, it’s just that Ross is such a pain in the ass, I can’t imagine him every actually dating any of of the girls he supposedly dated.

Up next, we’ll examine Brandon Walsh’s dating history and why even though people think Dylan is “the man,” if you had the chance, you’d much rather be Brandon for the ladies alone.

5 Reasons America’s Got Talent is Better Than American Idol

America’s Got Talent, a show that is in its second season here in the US, is a much better reality competition show than ratings juggernaut American Idol. Here are 5 reasons why:

1. The “nice judge” isn’t useless
Sharon Osbourne, who has replaced Brandy as the middle judge, is generally the “nice” one on America’s Got Talent. Space Cadet Paula Abdul serves the role on Idol. The thing is, Abdul is useless. Abdul is a cheerleader at best, and utterly worthless at worst. When pressed, she offers up condescending comments like “Pretty girl!” She generally has no constructive criticism for the contestant.

Osbourne on the other hand isn’t as much nice as ladylike and tactful. She’ll gently offer a “no” with a “thank you,” and you’d believe that even though she hated your act, she’d be happy to serve you tea. She’s a breath of fresh air, and she’s likable, and most of all, she’s able to form complete sentences.

2. The “mean judge” isn’t so mean
Cranky Simon Cowell is part of American pop culture for good. But in recent season, he’s just as useless as Paula Abdul. Cowell usually conjures up comments like “utterly horrendous” and “dreadful” without so much as a blink. But that offers NOTHING to the show. A judge OUGHT to say something like “Your high notes are off pitch” and “when you focus on melody, you lose your connection to the audience.” It’s rare he offers up legit critique, and when he does it, it’s snotty, such as his comments about season 6 contestant Chris Richardson’s nasally vocals.

Contrast that with grumpy Piers Morgan, who is often a disrespectful, snobby jerk. The thing is, more often than not, he can at least offer up some justification for his pissiness.

Where Cowell seems annoyed to be there, Morgan seems like a harsh critic, which is okay in my book.

3. AGT showcases the good, AI focuses on the bad
The endless auditions of American Idol are entertaining, and many people tune in just for that part, often because it’s so funny. But isn’t it telling that America Idol, a show dedicated to finding the greatest singer, spends so long and so much camera time on cretins who can’t sing a note? With the rise of douche bag Ian Benardo (who is such a putz he doesn’t even get a link!), it’s become fashionable to ham it up to get on camera. What a sad state. Idol spends very little time on discovered gems and very much on asshat contestants who couldn’t get a tuning fork to ring on key.

American’s Got Talent, on the other hand, focuses primarily on people who actually have talent. There are very few people who are terrible, and those that are are usually either people with weird or unconventional talents – arguably, still talented – and are generally still entertaining. Take last week, yes, we had to deal with “guy who breaks things with his butt,” but we got ubercool singer/beatboxer Butterscotch, whose audition song has been in my head all week.

4. AGT has variety, AI has little
American Idol has no variety at all. They tried to use a “rocker” with Bo Bice three year ago and Chris Daughtry last year, and they try to always have a soulful black woman and a few other stereotypes need annual reps. Too often, like this most recent season, Stephanie Edwards, Sabrina Sloan, Melinda Doolittle, and LaKisha Jones were all competeing for the uncoveted title of AI “diva.” As a result, the audience revolted, and eliminated the two former names early. Thankfully, by making everyone sing similarly styled songs, you grant an advantage to people who can stand out. However, you also lose your edge. It forces people like Chris Daughtry to reinvent themselves when they don’t need to. Daughtry’s multiplatinum album does not feature a broadway cut, a country cut, etc. AI is about singers performing outside their range. But ultimately, it’s just people recycling other songs, usually in a way that pales to the original.

America’s Got Talent, on the other hand, doesn’t force people outside of their comfort zone. The goal is simple: showcase what you can do. Yes, you must continually step it up if you want to continue to impress. But isn’t that good?

5. Contestants aren’t ridiculed (as often)
The biggest downside of American Idol recently has been the way they have not only made fun of people that deserved it. There was “The Hotness.” There was the kooky Darwin Reedy. But what of poor Nick Zitzmann? Here’s this poor sap’s myspace page. Did he deserve the “ultimate nerd” treatment? How about Jonathan Jayne and Kenneth Swale, aka the “bush baby?” Is it really ok to make fun of people who are honestly nerds or possibly even have some sort of syndrome or disease? Is that what we’ve come to, mercilessly making fun of people for cheap entertainment?

This isn’t just a search for a great singer, it’s a search for entertainment at others’ expense. You could argue that if you try out, you deserve a response. But I’d say that if you aren’t offering anything constructive, a “no, thank you” would suffice. I’d suggest that it’s ok to tell a dancer “you’re too heavy and you don’t get enough height when you jump” but it’s not ok to say “you look like a bush baby” to a singer in a singing competition.

America’s Got Talent is about finding the best talent. Aside from the obvious zaniness, in most cases, the people actually have talent, and it’s just a case of “is it interesting enough?” What you’re watching, even through auditions, is people trying their hardest and doing something well. It’s all entertaining.

Conclusion
America’s Got Talent is, for the most part, positive TV. American Idol professes to be about offering someone an amazing chance. And while it’s great TV, AI is really, at best, a sham. It’s not a “singing competition;” the judges critique the dress, the contestants’ looks, their hair, their audience connection. It’s not about singing. America’s Got Talent is, mostly, about talent. Yes, it’s true, when the audience connects, that bodes well for you. But in the end, Talent is better, smarter, nicer TV. And despite two British judges, I’d venture to say it’s actually more American.

Video Vault June 15, 2007

I’ve been watching this show “America’s Got Talent, which is the stateside version of “Britain’s Got Talent,” which spawned this cute little entertainer, Connie, who sings Somewhere Over the Rainbow and this guy, who sings opera.

“Cocky” seems to be the prevailing “cool” attitude these days, but while most find it a merely a turn-off, some will regret their cockiness forever, like this idiot bicyclist.

Every heard of this band “The Wrong Trousers?” Here’s their gem cover of Video Killed the Radio Star and a short concert that includes a great Flaming Lips cover.

Two dudes play the theme to Beverly Hills 90210 on the same guitar, which is kinda cool.

And lastly, the vanishing doorway, which is a fantastic prank.

My Must-See TV List

This season, I’ve scaled back my TV watching quite a bit. I’m crazy with TV – I get addicted to shows after about 30 seconds of watching. With that in mind, here are the shows that I am currently watching:

Monday: Prison Break, Heroes, Studio 60
Tuesday: House
Wednesday: Lost, Criminal Minds
Thursday: The Office, Scrubs, Grey’s Anatomy*
Friday: Las Vegas*
Saturday: SNL
Sunday: Family Guy

* indicates shows that my wife watches and I therefore get sucked into, despite the fact that Grey’s Anatomy is totally unrealistic and Las Vegas is pure pulp trash. That said, I watch them both.

Throughout the week, I DVR lots of other shows for miscellaneous watching: I do one daily King of Queens, because I love the show. I do Pardon the Interuption every weekday, because it’s great in the background while cooking or cleaning. Also, in the bedroom I record Frasier and Mythbusters for watching while dozing off. I don’t watch all of the shows in this paragraph, but I like to have a nice backlog in case I want to just chill for an hour on the weekends or something.

Then of course we have the “sprinkled throughout” shows. These are shows that record whenever they are on – The Sopranos, Entourage, Curb Your Enthusiasm.

That’s a lot of TV, in retrospect, but dammit, there’s plenty of good stuff on TV!