Every season or so, I change my DVR to record a different sitcom for late night viewing – a show I watch as I fall asleep. Previous sitcoms include Seinfeld, King of Queens, The Simpsons, Frasier, and Newsradio. Recently, I went back to Friends. Like most of the above shows, I watched Friends when it was on, but a few years ago I felt like I had seen them all too many times, so I removed it from the Tivo. I just phased it back in and I’m puzzled by one question:
How the hell did Ross get such good looking girls? We all know he ended up with Rachel, so let’s start there. Um… WHAT? You’re telling me that the best Rachel, who, by this point, was a succesful lady in the fashion world, could do was… Ross? One look at this twit in his eighties college getup, one earful of his horrible organ music, and any self-respecting woman would run.
Ross may have ended up with Rachel, but shortly after he got her pregnant, he somehow attracted the gorgeous Mona? Mona only dumped his ass after he lied about his marriage history, lied about Rachel’s pregnancy, and then asked his pregnant ex-wife to move in to his apartment. Rightfully… thankfully… she dumped him and went back into the dating pool to date someone more on her level. Mona was a lot of fun and a good sport, too, so Ross had no business dating her.
When Ross took a pregnant Rachel shopping for baby furniture, Katie, upon learning that he liked dinosaurs, said he reminded her of Indiana Jones. She then shamelessly came to his house and asked him out on a date. Even when she learned that he lived with Rachel, she was still interested. Did I mention she was played by the stunning Rena Sofer? Man, this was the biggest break from reality ever attempted on friends.
Somehow, goofy-ass Ross managed to land Elizabeth, a witty college student whose father was Bruce Willis. Elizabeth was also loads of fun, and she was even in that college-age mynx stage. Too bad Ross was such a limp moron and didn’t just enjoy this affair while it lasted.
Inexplicably, Ross managed to land Bonnie, played by Christine Taylor. God only knows why this girl would go for whiny, annoying Ross, but apparently, she found his dinosaur tales amusing, or something.
We mustn’t leave out Emily, who Ross married — well, until he spouted off Rachel’s name at their wedding. Emily was hot in a “I could actually know her!” kind of way, and Ross somehow captivated her too.
Along the way, Ross managed to hook up with an extremely hot scientist named Charlie, who was not only smokin’ hot, she was also interested in his nerdy-side. While we all suspend disbelief, since no such character actually exists, assuming one did, once again, Ross banged her.
All of this completely ignores Ross’ first wife, Carol, who was no slouch herself. She was made exponentially hotter when it was revealed that she was a lipstick lesbian with Susan, who — imagine this — was also kinda hot. Figures, right?
As you can see, TV is entirely made up. In reality, I think Ross would be dating a co-worker – someone in his field – who was totally average looking and mostly boring. It’s not that I think David Schwimmer is ugly, it’s just that Ross is such a pain in the ass, I can’t imagine him every actually dating any of of the girls he supposedly dated.
Up next, we’ll examine Brandon Walsh’s dating history and why even though people think Dylan is “the man,” if you had the chance, you’d much rather be Brandon for the ladies alone.
